You said yes to dinner on Saturday. By Saturday afternoon, you’re trying to work out whether you have enough energy to get dressed, let alone go out. You’ve already cancelled twice this month.
Now you’re weighing it up. Do you push through and pay for it tomorrow? Ask if your friend can come to you? Or send another message saying you can’t make it?
Living with chronic illness, persistent pain or ongoing fatigue can mean making decisions like this over and over. Some people miss the things they used to do without thinking. Others miss being able to make a plan and trust that they’ll be able to follow through.
When changing plans feels like letting people down
Cancelling can bring relief and disappointment at the same time. You know you need to rest, and you still feel guilty about missing your child’s game, a friend’s birthday or leaving a colleague to cover a meeting. If other people have only seen you on a good day, it can feel as though you have to explain yourself all over again.
It can help to be clear about what you can manage and what you’d still like to do. You could say, “I can’t manage dinner out tonight. I’d still really like to see you. Would you be up for a short visit this weekend?” On other days, the clearest message is simply, “I need to rest today. Can we make another plan when I know how I’m feeling?”
Asking for help when you’re used to doing things yourself
It’s hard to ask for help with something you’ve always done yourself. You might worry that the people around you already have enough to do. Many people also get tired of having to ask each time something needs doing.
A specific request makes the conversation easier to start. “Could you do the groceries this week?” gives someone a concrete way to help. If the same thing keeps coming up, the conversation may be about sharing responsibility more regularly: “Can we work out who’ll handle dinner on the days I have appointments?” That way there’s a plan in place before you’re already exhausted.
You can also ask for company or a listening ear. “I’ve had a hard week. Do you have time to talk?” matters just as much as asking for practical help.
Working out what needs to change at work or at home
At work, you might get through a full day and have very little left for the evening. It’s worth looking at what the whole week asks of you, not just one bad day. Which parts of your work take the most energy? Is there a conversation to have about when meetings are scheduled, how tasks are shared or what you can reasonably take on?
At home, someone close to you may see what you managed yesterday and assume today will be the same. Describing what’s happening in the moment can help: “I know I cooked last night. Today I’m in more pain, and standing at the stove feels too hard. Can we do something simpler for dinner?” That tells them what today looks like.
There can also be grief in these changes. You might miss being spontaneous, having time for friends or feeling like yourself at work. Even when you’ve found ways to make daily life more manageable, it can still hurt to lose parts of the life you had, or expected to have.
What we can talk about in counselling
At Looking Up, we might start with one situation that’s been weighing on you. For some people, it’s a conversation with a manager they keep putting off. For others, it’s how much has changed between them and their partner. We can talk through what feels difficult, practise what you’d like to say, work out what to ask for, or simply give you space to talk about what you miss. You don’t need to have it figured out before you arrive.
If you’re wondering whether counselling might help, you can start with a free 15-minute phone call. Tell us a little about what’s changed and ask how we might work with you.
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