It’s late, and you’re having the same argument again. This time it started with who was going to make dinner. By the end, one of you is saying, “I have to ask you for everything,” and the other has stopped talking. You go to bed upset and wake up to the usual questions about lunches, work and who’s doing the pickup.
You may still care about each other and wonder how you ended up feeling so far apart. Sometimes there’s a particular event that’s hard to move past. Sometimes it’s years of conversations cut short, things left unsaid and promises to talk when you both have more time.
In this post, we look at the arguments that keep repeating, what to do when you miss being close, and what to do when the hurt needs more time.
What keeps happening between you?
Think about one conversation you’ve had more than once. What starts it? When does it get harder to listen? What do you each wish the other person understood?
Perhaps when you ask your partner to help with dinner, what you want them to understand is how tiring it is to keep track of what needs doing. They hear criticism and pull away. When they go quiet, you feel you have to push harder to be heard.
If you can talk about it when you’re both less tired, try saying what you want the other person to understand:
“When I have to work out what needs doing and then ask for help, I still feel like I’m carrying it. Could we decide who’ll take care of dinner on the nights I work late?”
That gives you one thing to talk about and something you can both follow through on.
When you miss being close
Some couples rarely argue. They talk about bills, appointments and the children, and realise it’s been weeks since either of them asked how the other was going. You may miss laughing together, being affectionate or feeling that someone is interested in your life.
You could start by naming what you miss: “I miss talking to you about things other than what has to get done. Would you like to go for a walk on Sunday, just the two of us?” Choose something that fits the life you’re living now. If your partner seems hurt or hesitant, give them time to tell you what’s behind it.
When the hurt needs more time
If trust has been damaged, there may be things you need to understand before you can decide what comes next. You might want your partner to acknowledge what happened, answer questions or show through their actions that something has changed. You may also be unsure whether you want to stay in the relationship. You can take time to think through what you need and what you’re willing to work on.
If you feel afraid to speak openly, or you’re worried about how your partner might react to you seeking help, you can talk about that privately with a counsellor. If you’re ever concerned for your safety, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is available 24 hours a day.
What we can talk about in counselling
At Looking Up, we can start with what’s happening for you. That might be an argument you keep having, finding the words for something you’ve been avoiding, or working out what you need before making a decision about the relationship. You can make an enquiry for yourself, even if your partner is unsure about taking part. You don’t need to have it figured out before you arrive.
If you’d like to talk it through, you’re welcome to start with a free 15-minute phone call.
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