You’ve promised to watch your daughter’s netball game. Just before you leave, her brother becomes distressed and needs you to stay with him. You ask another parent to take her. When she gets home, she says, “You always say you’ll come.”
You may want to explain what happened. Before you do, it can help to acknowledge what it was like for her: “You were looking for me, and I wasn’t there. I know you wanted me to see you play.”
Both children needed you that afternoon. One needed immediate support, and the other needed you to show up for something that mattered to her. These moments are hard to manage, especially when they happen often.
In this post, we look at making room for siblings’ feelings, keeping time together, talking about disability, and noticing the child who doesn’t ask.
Give siblings room to say how they feel
A child can love their brother or sister and still feel angry when plans change again. Some worry about what happens when their sibling is distressed. Some feel embarrassed when other children stare, or tired of being asked to wait. Many also have jokes, games and routines with their sibling that no one else quite understands.
A quiet moment in the car or at bedtime can open the door. Try asking, “What’s been hard for you lately?” If they tell you something difficult to hear, you could say, “Can you tell me a bit more about that?” You don’t have to fix it straight away. Listening first tells them it’s safe to say.
Siblings Australia’s guidance for parents
Follow through on time together
Time with each child can be ordinary. Walk the dog together, let them choose the music on the drive to school, or sit down and hear about something they’re excited about. Choose something you can realistically keep doing.
When plans change, come back to it yourself: “We missed our walk yesterday. Could we go after dinner tonight?” When you follow through, your child gets to enjoy the time with you without having to ask for it again.
Talk about disability, and be clear about who handles the hard moments
Use words your child understands and give them chances to ask questions. If they ask why their sister uses a communication device, you could say, “That’s one of the ways she tells us what she thinks and what she wants. We give her time to finish, just as we do when you’re telling us something.”
If a sibling has been hit, frightened or had something broken, acknowledge what happened and check how they’re going. A child may need to hear, “That scared you. You can come and get me. I’ll work out what happens next.” If it keeps happening, include your child’s safety and needs when you talk with the people supporting your family.
Siblings can also enjoy helping each other. A child might like showing their brother how to play a game or helping him find his favourite song. Keep that help something they choose. Adults are responsible for supervision, personal care and responding when someone is unsafe.
Siblings Australia’s information on the challenges siblings can face
Make space for each child’s own life
It’s easy to notice the child who needs you urgently. The child who says, “It’s fine, I’ll do it myself,” is easier to miss.
Ask about their friendships, what they’re looking forward to and whether there’s anything they’d like to do just for themselves. Notice the things they want you to see, whether it’s a drawing, a goal they scored or a joke they’ve been waiting all day to tell you.
There’s room to talk about how your family is going
At Looking Up, we can talk with you about what’s happening in your family and help you work out where to start. That might be listening to a child who’s been holding things in, deciding what to say after a difficult incident, or finding a way to share some of the responsibility so there’s more room for each child. You don’t need to have it figured out before you arrive.
If you’d like to talk it through, you’re welcome to start with a free 15-minute phone call.
Book a free 15-minute introductory call
