Parenting a child with autism can bring enormous joy, connection, humour and love. It can also be incredibly hard.
For some families, everyday life includes behaviour that is intense, unpredictable or unsafe. A child may hit, bite, kick, scream, throw objects, damage property, run away, hurt themselves or become so overwhelmed that the whole family has to change what they’re doing.
Parents end up constantly watching, anticipating and planning:
Can we go to the shops? Will they cope with the noise?
What happens if we have to wait?
Will they get into the car? What if they run?
Can their brother or sister have friends over?
What if tonight is another night without sleep?
When this is part of everyday family life, the impact is huge, and it’s important to talk about it honestly.
In this post, we look at understanding what’s behind the behaviour, communication, health and sensory needs, what to do in a crisis, and looking after yourself and your family.
Behind the behaviour is a child
When behaviour is difficult or dangerous, everyone’s attention tends to go to stopping it. But behaviour doesn’t happen in isolation.
A child who hits, runs, screams or refuses may be overwhelmed, frightened or in pain. They may be unable to communicate something important, struggling with a demand, trying to escape something unbearable, or trying to get something they need. Sometimes the reason is obvious. Often it isn’t. Often several things are happening at once.
The question shifts from “How do we make this behaviour stop?” to “What is happening for this child, and what might they need us to understand?”
That doesn’t mean unsafe behaviour should simply be accepted. Safety matters. But understanding gives you a much better chance of responding effectively than punishment, blame or repeatedly telling a distressed child to “calm down”.
Communication may look different
Some autistic children have very little spoken language. Others speak fluently but find it much harder to reach language when they’re anxious, overwhelmed or dysregulated. A child who can answer questions when relaxed may be completely unable to explain what’s wrong during a crisis.
Communication might include speech, gestures, signs, pictures, communication boards, AAC devices, pointing, movement, facial expression or behaviour. A child may need an easier way to say:
Help.
Stop.
Break.
Finished.
Too loud.
It hurts.
I don’t understand.
I need space.
I want that.
A new way of communicating only helps if it works. If a child learns to ask for a break but is never given one, hitting may stay the more effective option.
Sometimes behaviour is telling us to look at health
Not every change in behaviour is behavioural. Pain and physical discomfort can dramatically affect a child’s ability to cope. Dental pain, constipation, reflux, headaches, infections, poor sleep, medication effects, hunger and seizures can all change how a child presents. It’s harder still when a child can’t easily say where it hurts.
A sudden change in behaviour, sleep, appetite, movement or mood deserves attention. Before assuming a child is “behaving badly”, ask: Could something be hurting? A GP is a good place to start.
Sensory overwhelm is exhausting
Imagine joining a family gathering while the television is on, several people are talking, someone is cooking, children are running around and people keep touching you. For many of us, that’s mildly irritating. For an autistic child with significant sensory sensitivities, it can be unbearable.
Noise, touch, clothing, smells, lighting, crowds, temperature and movement can all add up to overload. To everyone else, the reaction may seem sudden. To the child, it may not have been. They may have been coping, coping, coping, until they couldn’t cope any more.
Sometimes the most effective response isn’t asking a child to tolerate more. It’s changing the environment.
Look at what happened before, during and after
When something keeps happening, patterns help. Rather than relying on memory after a stressful incident, write down:
Before: What was happening just before?
During: What did the child actually do?
After: What happened straight afterwards?
Perhaps hitting often happens when a favourite activity ends. Running might happen when you enter crowded places. Throwing might happen when a task gets too hard. Distress might build late in the afternoon when your child is tired.
Patterns don’t tell you why something is happening, but they give you somewhere to start. Describing what happened is also different from assuming intent. “Sam hit me when I handed him the worksheet” tells you something useful. “Sam was being manipulative” doesn’t.
Prevention often works better than crisis management
Families get so used to managing crises that there’s little time left to think about prevention. Small changes can make a big difference.
A child may cope better when they know what’s coming next. They may need visual schedules, warnings before transitions, choices, regular movement, fewer words, predictable routines or access to sensory supports. Tasks may need breaking into smaller steps. Waiting may need to be taught. Adults can learn to spot early signs of distress and respond before things escalate.
None of this means giving a child everything they want. It means helping them build skills in an environment they can manage.
What happens during a crisis matters
When a child is highly distressed, reasoning, long explanations and repeated instructions are unlikely to help. Less is more:
Keep language simple and lower your voice.
Reduce demands.
Give the child space where it’s safe to do so.
Reduce noise and the number of people talking.
Move other children away if you need to.
Avoid crowding or surrounding the child.
Follow any safety or behaviour support plan you have.
The priority in that moment isn’t teaching a lesson. It’s helping everyone become safe and calm enough for learning to happen later. If someone is in immediate danger, call 000.
Parents become exhausted too
This part is often forgotten. Living with complex behaviour places huge demands on parents and carers. You may be constantly alert. You may sleep lightly because your child wakes or wanders at night. You may avoid restaurants, holidays, shopping centres or family events because they’ve become too hard. One parent may have had to give up work. Relationships can come under strain, siblings may need extra attention, and friends sometimes stop inviting the family because it’s complicated.
Many parents also face judgement from people who see one difficult moment and know nothing about the hours, days and years around it. Advice like “You just need to be firmer” is painful when you’re already doing everything you can.
Complex behaviour isn’t evidence of poor parenting. Families often need practical support, respite, specialist advice and people willing to understand what their lives are really like.
You’re allowed to say it’s hard
Parents sometimes feel guilty admitting they’re struggling. You love your child, and you’re exhausted. Both are true.
You can adore your child and dislike some of what your family is going through. You can understand that behaviour comes from distress and still feel frightened when you’re hit. You can advocate fiercely for your child and still wish life were easier. You can celebrate their progress and grieve some of the experiences you imagined for your family.
None of these feelings cancels out your love for your child.
The whole family matters
Support shouldn’t focus only on reducing a child’s behaviour. It’s worth asking:
Is my child safer, and experiencing less distress?
Can they communicate more effectively?
Can they take part in more of everyday life?
Are parents coping? Are siblings safe and supported?
Can the family leave the house? Can everyone sleep?
Can we have enjoyable time together?
A plan that reduces incidents but leaves a child frightened, or a family unable to function, isn’t enough. The goal is a better quality of life for the child and the people who love them.
Getting the right help
When behaviour is frequent, escalating, causing injury or limiting family life, professional support can make a real difference. Depending on your child’s needs, that might include a GP, paediatrician, psychologist, occupational therapist, speech pathologist, behaviour support practitioner or another qualified professional.
Good support looks beyond the behaviour itself. It considers communication, physical health, sensory needs, relationships, learning, environment, development and family circumstances.
Most importantly, you should feel listened to. You know things about your child that can’t be learned in a one-hour appointment. Professionals bring specialist knowledge. The strongest support respects both.
Look for the small changes
Progress isn’t always dramatic. It might be a child using their communication device to ask for a break instead of hitting. It might be noticing distress five minutes earlier, or managing ten minutes at a family gathering instead of avoiding it. It might be a parent thinking, “We don’t need to push through this today.” It might be discovering that a behaviour everyone assumed was “behavioural” was actually pain. It might simply be one peaceful afternoon together.
Those changes matter. Supporting an autistic child with complex behaviour isn’t about creating a child who is easier for everyone else to manage. It’s about helping them feel safe, understood, able to communicate and able to take part in their world, while making sure the family supporting them has the help and care they need.
Sometimes the first step isn’t asking “How do we change this child?” but “What can we understand differently, and what can we change around them?”
There’s room to talk about how you’re going
At Looking Up, we can help you think through what’s happening, prepare for a meeting with your child’s school or support team, or find words for what you want people to understand about your child. We can also make time to talk about how this is affecting you and your family. You don’t need to have it figured out before you arrive.
If you’d like to talk it through, you’re welcome to start with a free 15-minute phone call.
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