Have you ever woken up already tired? Not “I could have slept another hour” tired, but the kind where having a shower, getting dressed, making breakfast and leaving the house feels like a lot to ask of yourself.
For people living with chronic illness, disability, persistent pain, fatigue, mental health difficulties or other conditions that affect energy, this can be an everyday experience. One way of explaining it is Spoon Theory.
In this post, we look at where it came from, how it works, and how you can use it to understand your own energy or support someone else.
Where did Spoon Theory come from?
Spoon Theory was created by Christine Miserandino, a writer and disability advocate who lives with lupus. In 2003, she was sitting in a diner with a friend who asked what it was really like to live with lupus.
It was a hard question to answer. How do you explain that ordinary activities can take planning? That you have to consider how much energy you have before deciding whether to shower, work, cook dinner or see friends?
So Christine gathered spoons from the tables around her and handed them to her friend. Each spoon was a portion of energy. As her friend described an ordinary day, Christine took spoons away. Getting up cost a spoon. So did getting dressed, travelling, working and cooking dinner. The spoons ran out quickly.
That was the point. For someone whose health limits their energy, the question isn’t always “What do I want to do today?” Sometimes it’s “What can I afford to do with the energy I have today?”
Everyone’s number of spoons is different
Spoon Theory isn’t about literally counting spoons. It’s a metaphor for capacity.
Some mornings you might wake up with plenty and manage work, family and something enjoyable afterwards. On other days, getting showered and dressed might use a big share of what you have.
Some activities also cost far more than they look like from the outside. A meeting might take one spoon from one person and four from another. A family gathering involves more than attending. It can mean getting ready, driving, coping with noise, keeping up conversations, managing pain or anxiety, masking distress, and recovering afterwards.
Two people can do exactly the same thing and carry very different costs.
Sometimes we borrow tomorrow’s spoons
One of the most useful parts of Spoon Theory is what it says about pushing on after your energy has run out.
Sometimes you don’t have a choice. A parent still has to care for their children. Someone has to finish the working day. Sometimes something matters enough that you decide to push yourself.
But going past today’s capacity can mean paying for it tomorrow. You might manage the party on Saturday and spend Sunday exhausted. You might push through a demanding week and have almost nothing left for yourself or your family by Friday evening.
That doesn’t mean a person is lazy, antisocial or unmotivated. It may mean they’ve used more than their body and mind had available.
What can we learn from Spoon Theory?
Instead of asking why you can’t just push through, Spoon Theory invites different questions:
What is using most of my energy at the moment?
What really has to be done today, and what can wait?
What could someone else help me with?
What restores me, rather than draining me?
Am I repeatedly using tomorrow’s energy to get through today?
What would make this task easier?
Managing energy isn’t necessarily about doing less with your life. Sometimes it’s about spending the energy you have on purpose.
Spoon Theory and mental health
Christine developed Spoon Theory to explain living with lupus, but it has since been used much more widely. People experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, burnout, ADHD or autism may also recognise the experience of limited emotional and cognitive capacity.
When you’re struggling, things that once felt automatic can take real effort. Replying to an email, making a phone call or cooking dinner can feel overwhelming. Even being around other people can take energy you don’t have that day.
Seeing it this way can replace judgement with curiosity. Instead of “Why can’t I cope with this?” you can ask, “What is taking so much of my energy right now?”
Supporting someone who is running low on spoons
Spoon Theory can help families, partners, friends and colleagues understand what they can’t see. Someone can look well and still be exhausted. They can laugh at lunch and need to rest afterwards. They can manage something one day and struggle with the same thing the next. They can really want to go to an event and still decide they don’t have the capacity.
Rather than saying, “You did it yesterday, so you can do it today,” try asking:
“How are your spoons today?”
It’s a simple question, but it tells the person something important: I understand that your capacity changes, and I believe you.
You don’t have to spend every spoon
There can be pressure to use every bit of energy we have. If there are two spoons left, we feel we should squeeze in another job, another email or another household task.
But maybe those last spoons don’t need to be spent. One could go on sitting outside with a cup of tea. Another could be saved for reading, watching television, talking to someone you love, or doing nothing at all.
Rest doesn’t have to be something you earn after you’ve run yourself into the ground. Protecting a spoon can be just as important as spending one.
A useful metaphor, not a rule
Spoon Theory isn’t a medical or psychological theory in the scientific sense, and it won’t resonate with everyone. It’s a metaphor. It has lasted because it gives many people language for something that is hard to explain.
Sometimes understanding yourself starts with finding the right words. Sometimes those words are:
“I don’t have enough spoons for that today.”
That doesn’t mean never. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean I’m not trying. It means that today, my energy needs to go somewhere else.
There’s room to talk about it
If you’re often running out of spoons, it can help to talk through where your energy goes, what you can ask others for, and what you’d like to protect. At Looking Up, we can start with one part of your week and work out what would make it a little easier. You don’t need to have it figured out before you arrive.
If you’d like to talk it through, you’re welcome to start with a free 15-minute phone call.
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