Your grandchild comes over on Saturday and heads straight for the drawer where you keep the wooden spoons. They hand you one and take the other for themselves. Soon you’re both drumming on the kitchen table. It’s the first thing they want to do every time they visit, and you’ve started leaving the spoons where they can find them.
Being a grandparent to a child with disability can bring moments like this, along with questions about how best to help. You may wonder what to do when your grandchild becomes upset, whether you could look after them on your own, or how to support their parents when they already have so much to organise.
In this post, we look at finding something to enjoy together, offering help the family can use, listening to your adult child, and finding somewhere to talk it through yourself.
Find something you enjoy together
Your grandchild might like watering the plants with you, looking at photos on your phone or hearing the same story every visit. Watch what they come back to, and how they invite you in. They might take your hand, bring you an object, make a sound, or use a picture or communication device.
Ask their parents how your grandchild shows you they want more, need a break or have had enough. If they turn away when you go in for a hug, give them space and offer a wave. Over time, you’ll learn how they like to say hello, share a joke or ask you to do something again.
Offer help the family can use
“Let me know if you need anything” is kind, but it’s hard for a tired parent to answer. A specific offer is easier to say yes to: “I’m free Thursday. Would it help if I picked up the groceries or took your eldest to swimming?”
You can also ask what would make visits to your place easier. Your grandchild might need somewhere quiet to go, a familiar food, or a little time to settle before people start asking questions.
If you’d like to look after your grandchild but feel unsure about some of their care, say so: “Could you show me what you do when they need a break? I’d like to get more comfortable with the routine.” Spending time together while a parent is there gives you a chance to ask questions and see what helps.
Listen when your adult child tells you it’s hard
When your adult child tells you school rang again, or an appointment didn’t go as they’d hoped, it’s natural to jump in with ideas because you want to make things easier. Try asking first: “Do you want me to listen, or would you like me to help you think it through?”
They may want to tell you how the day went before deciding what to do next. They may also want to tell you their child made them laugh on the way home. Leave room for both parts of the story.
Give yourself somewhere to talk too
You may worry about how your grandchild is treated, how your adult child is coping, or how much help you’ll be able to offer as you get older. If your grandchild has recently been diagnosed, you may still be finding your feet while everyone else seems to know what happens next.
At Looking Up, we can talk through what being a grandparent is like for you. That might be working out how to offer help without over committing, finding the words for a difficult family conversation, or feeling more confident spending time with your grandchild. We can start with one situation you’d like to feel more comfortable with. You don’t need to have it figured out before you arrive.
If you’d like to talk it through, you’re welcome to start with a free 15-minute phone call.
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