You’re at the supermarket and reach for something your child loved. For a moment, it’s the same thing you’ve done a hundred times. Then you remember. You might put it back, buy it anyway or leave the shopping for another day.
After your child dies, some things are hard to see coming, like their birthday or the first family gathering. Other moments catch you by surprise. Someone asks how many children you have, a song comes on in the car, or there’s something you wish you could tell them. You’re working out how to get through an ordinary day while missing someone who was part of it.
In this post, we look at grieving differently from the people close to you, getting through Christmas and other special days, asking for the help you need, and remembering your child in ways that feel right.
When you and the people close to you grieve differently
You might want to talk about your child while your partner finds it easier to keep busy. One of you might want to look at photos while the other needs more time. It can feel lonely when the person you most want to turn to is also trying to get through the day.
It can help to say what you need in that moment:
“I’d like to tell you something I remembered about her today. Have you got a few minutes to listen?”
Or: “I’d like you to sit with me for a while. I don’t feel much like talking.”
If you have other children, they may bring up their brother or sister while you’re making dinner or on the way to school. They might ask a question and then go back to what they were doing. Answer what they’re asking, and let them know they can come back to you whenever they have another question.
When Christmas and other special days come around
It can hit you when you open the box of decorations and find the ornament your child made. Or you may dread lunch, wondering whether anyone will say their name. That can happen at the first Christmas or years later.
Some people keep a tradition their child loved, hang their stocking, or ask someone to share a favourite story over lunch. Others want a quieter day, arrive after the presents are opened, or decide closer to the time whether they’ll go. You can tell family what would help:
“I’d like us to talk about her if it comes up. I might get teary, and that’s okay.”
“We’re planning to come for lunch, but we may leave early. It would help if we could just say goodbye when we’re ready.”
If you have other children, ask what they’d like to keep doing and whether there’s a way they’d like to include their brother or sister. One child might want to put their sibling’s decoration on the tree. Another might be looking forward to opening presents with their cousins. There’s room for both. If you find yourself laughing at something funny that day, you can let yourself enjoy it.
Asking for the help you need
People often say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” When you’re already finding it hard to decide what to have for dinner, working out what to ask for feels like another task.
You could ask someone to take the other children to sport, reply to a few messages for you or drop off dinner. You can also ask someone to keep checking in: “I don’t always have the energy to reply, but I’d like you to keep sending me a message.”
Sometimes what you want most is for someone to say your child’s name. You could tell a friend, “I like hearing stories about him. Would you tell me what you remember about that day?”
Remembering your child in ways that feel right to you
On your child’s birthday, you might make their favourite meal, visit somewhere you used to go together or spend the day quietly. You can decide closer to the day and change your mind if you need to. There may also be small ways you already remember them, such as using a phrase they used to say or telling a story about something that made you laugh.
Your child may have died recently or many years ago. Either way, you can still ask for company on a day that feels hard, or tell someone you’d like to talk about them.
What you can bring to counselling
At Looking Up, we can make time for you to talk about your child and what life has been like since they died. That might be thinking through what you need from family at Christmas, talking about how things feel between you and your partner, or finding the words for what you’d like people to understand when you return to work. You can begin with whatever feels possible to talk about that day.
If you’d like to speak with other bereaved families, The Compassionate Friends Queensland supports families after the death of a child of any age. Red Nose Australia offers bereavement support after pregnancy loss or the death of a baby or child.
If you’d like to talk it through, you’re welcome to start with a free 15-minute phone call.
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