You may have wondered for a while, or it may be the first time you’ve thought about it. You want your child to know you love them, and you’re trying to find the words. A good place to start is simply, “I’m glad you told me. I love you.”
The same approach applies whatever word your child uses to describe themselves, whether that’s gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, non-binary or something else.
Let your child decide how much to share
Your child may have been thinking about this conversation for a long time. They might want to tell you how they’ve been feeling, talk about someone they like, or just get the words out and go back to what they were doing.
You could ask, “Is there anything you’d like me to know, or anything you need from me right now?” Then give them time to answer. If they’d rather leave it there for the evening, you can say, “That’s okay. I’m here if you want to talk about it again.”
Ask before telling anyone else
You might usually tell your partner everything, or want to talk to a close friend because you’re unsure how to respond. Before you share it, ask your child what they want. Being ready to tell you can feel very different from being ready to tell a sibling, a grandparent or the other parent.
You could say, “Who else knows? Would you like me to keep this between us for now?” If they want help telling someone later, ask whether they’d like you to be there, help them find the words, or leave it to them.
Come back to it if you wish you’d responded differently
Maybe you went quiet, asked “Are you sure?” or started talking about what other people might think. If you’ve been replaying the conversation, you can go back to your child and say what you wish you’d said:
“I’ve been thinking about how I responded when you told me. I asked questions straight away, and I wish I’d listened first. I love you, and I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me. If you want to talk again, I’m here.”
Then give them room to respond in their own time. They may tell you how your reaction felt, or they may need to see how you respond over the following days.
Show your support in ordinary moments
A few days later, you could say, “I’ve been thinking about what you told me. How are you feeling about it now?” If your child mentions someone they like, show the same interest you would in any other part of their life.
You can also speak up when it matters. If a relative makes a hurtful joke about gay people, you can say, “I don’t want jokes like that in our home.” You can do that without sharing anything your child has told you.
Find somewhere to talk through your own questions
You may be worried about how others will treat your child, or you may be rethinking assumptions you’d made about their future. Those feelings are common, and they’re easier to work through with someone other than your child. A counsellor gives you a private place to ask questions, while your child decides when, and with whom, they share their story.
If your faith or your family’s beliefs are part of the picture, you may feel torn between what you were taught and how much you love your child. Many parents do. You don’t have to resolve that before you start, and you can bring it to counselling as it is.
At Looking Up, we can help you think through how to support your child, what to say if you want to revisit the conversation, or how to handle a difficult response from someone in the family.
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