You’ve been thinking about saying something for a while. Perhaps your partner has started drinking most evenings, or your adult child has missed another family gathering and you’re worried about how they’re going. You’re wondering whether to bring it up, what to say, and what you’ll do if they get angry or tell you everything is fine.
It’s hard to find the words when you care about someone and you’re worried. You can start with one thing you’ve noticed and give them room to tell you how they see it.
Start with what you’ve noticed
If it feels safe, choose a time when you’re both calm and the person is sober. Find a private moment when neither of you is rushing. You could say:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking most nights lately. You’ve seemed worn out in the mornings, and I’m worried about you. How have things been for you?”
Then give them time to answer. They may tell you something you hadn’t realised, or they may see things differently. If the conversation starts going in circles, it’s okay to pause: “I can see this is hard to talk about. I wanted you to know I’m worried. We can come back to it another time.”
Queensland Health guidance for family and friends
Decide what help you can offer
It’s tempting to offer to sort everything out, especially if you’ve watched someone struggle for a while. Start with something you can realistically do, and ask whether they’d find it helpful. That could be sitting with them while they call a support service, driving them to a GP appointment, or listening while they think through their options.
It’s also okay to be clear about what you’ll do in situations that affect you or your family. For example: “If you’ve been drinking, I’ll arrange another way home for me and the kids.” Think about what you can follow through on, and who could help you do it.
If you’re worried that raising the issue could lead to threats or violence, get support for yourself first and put your safety ahead of the conversation.
Alcohol and Drug Foundation guidance for families and friends
Get support for yourself too
You might be sleeping badly, checking your phone late at night, or wondering what to tell the children when plans change again. You can feel protective of the person and angry about what’s happening in the same afternoon. It can be a relief to talk about it honestly.
At Looking Up, you can come to counselling on your own, even if the person you’re worried about isn’t ready to seek help. We can talk through what’s happening at home, find the words for a conversation you’ve been putting off, or work out what support you can offer and what you need for yourself.
If you need support with a family concern right now, Family Drug Support Australia is available 24 hours a day on 1300 368 186.
Read more about how Looking Up supports people affected by alcohol and other drug use
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